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The Mighty Viking
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that Scarlett Johansson is hotter than Jessica Biel, that while all men and women may be created equal some are hotter than others, that a select few are endowed by their Creator with certain undeniably exquisite features, that among these are a smoky voice, full pouty lips, and the presence of soft feminine curves.
Don’t get me wrong; Jessica Biel is lovely. She’s that rare mix of Ginger and Mary Ann- equal parts glamorous-super-model and girl-next-door. But most anyone under 30 would have to google “Ginger and Mary Ann” to have any idea who they are. There’s a reason for that.
No one has to google Marilyn Monroe (though I recommend it). [If you do, get off my web page. Go. In fact get off the Internet all together. I don’t want to share a tube with you.]
And that’s the kind of hot we’re dealing with here when we’re talking about Scarlett Ms. Johansson- a transcendent* hotness, a hotness that is greater than the sum of its glorious parts.
She is all things to all men. Ace can have the near-jailbait of “Lost in Translation,” Zeke- the girl next door of “The Nanny Diaries” or “In Good Company,” Sullie- the buxom beauty of… well any Scarlett Johansson role. [If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt you could add “since she’s turned 18” to that. Your call**.] As for what I see- it’s a bit complicated.
It’s been said by those more talented and better qualified than myself (specifically Chuck Klosterman in “Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs” which I highly recommend) that Pam Anderson is the Marilyn Monroe of my generation. [Bear with me, I’m going somewhere with this.] I tend to agree with him. Not coincidentally, I frequently feel embarrassed about belonging to this generation. What relevance does this have to Scarlett Johansson's sublime hotness? Simple. Scarlett Johansson is the odds on favorite to claim this currently vacant throne in the name of the upcoming generation.
So you want to know what I see in Scarlett Johansson? I see hope for the future.
So you want to know what I see in Scarlett Johansson? I see hope for the future.
*In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m the pretentious one. I frequently use words like transcendent when discussing things like “Who’s hotter- Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Biel?” Even drunk. Especially drunk. I’ve tried to make the case that there’s some distinction between having an extensive vocabulary and pretentiousness. This is, apparently, what makes me pretentious. At least I’m aware of it.
**I know the guy. I wouldn’t.