Hotter Than Jessica Biel?

Up Next: Jennifer Aniston!

2010-05-02T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, we started with Angelina Jolie so the natural progression is Jennifer Aniston. We tried to get Brad Pitt as a guest judge but no luck. So get your "Friends" jokes ready and buckle up, because the answer to whether or not Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina Jolie is below:

THE VIKING:
You had to know this was coming. It couldn't be helped. It's a defining dichotomy. One of those "there are two kinds of people in this world" things. A choice that shows the world what kind of man you are. Tarantino thinks it's Elvis or Beatles. Baseball fans will tell you it's Williams or DiMaggio. Maybe Miller is right. Maybe it IS great taste or less filling. Then again who's to say it's not Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston? I mean uh, is Jennifer Aniston hotter than Jessica Biel? Whatever.

First of all, can we all agree that this woman is hotter today than she was 10 years ago? How exactly is she pulling this off? Is it an appeal to our inner white knight? A sort of "hey you, get your damn hands off her" to the media that wouldn't just let the woman have her heart broken in peace? Her stiff upper lip? Grace under fire? Class? Is it an underdog thing? Maybe it's her insatiable desire for the ultimate revenge-lay lurking somewhere under the surface of the America's sweetheart facade? What? You never know. Well, unless you're good with an acoustic guitar and have spent your entire life writing wussy [yet extremely effective] songs specifically crafted to get you laid. You might know then. You'd still be kind of a tool though.

Steadily increasing hotness aside, I'm sorry but Jennifer Aniston is NOT hotter than Jessica Biel. She wasn't even the hottest woman on "Friends" for god's sake. I've never understood this. I'd have taken Courtney Cox every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Still would. In the end she's the prototypical "marry" in a game of "screw, marry, pitch off a cliff" [that's why I think most women get so pissed when you even hint at favoring Angelina- she shattered the screw/marry system]. But when you're talking about pure hotness, screw beats marry like rock beats scisors right?

ACE
First of all, if we're talking about Angelina vs. Aniston, my allegiance rests with Rachel from Friends. And not just because she's got a better personality and seems like a nicer person as opposed to the man-stealing,
home-wrecking, Billy Bob humping train wreck that is Angelina Jolie.

The simple fact is Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina. I will agree with you, she's gotten better with age. But there ain't nothin' wrong with Jen in her early days on Friends. She's a little thicker, and I dig that.

Also, the Courtney Cox argument is intriguing as well. You're wrong about Jen not being the hottest one on Friends. She clearly bested Courtney. Courtney Cox looked anorexic on Friends, while Jen flourished and sent me into a teenage masturbatory frenzy. But here's the kicker, Courtney Cox got WAY hotter as she aged. If you've seen her on her new TV show Cougar Town, she's un-fucking-believable!! Still not quite as hot at Jennifer Anniston, but up there.

But this is about whether or not Jennifer Anniston is hotter than Jessica Biel. And the answer is an emphatic, hell yes! This one isn't even close. Anniston can be classically beautiful, cute, or sexy as hell (the nude scene
in "The Break Up" was niiiiice)! She's one of a handful of women who can walk that line and get away with it. Her tits are things of beauty and they've lost none of their perkiness. Her legs never stop. Jessica Biel is
like 15 years younger than Jennifer Anniston, and I'd take Anniston's body over Biel's right now at this very second.

So rest assured Jennifer Anniston, although Brad Pitt may have ruthlessly dumped you and set you back 5 years, at least one person here at HTJB thinks you're still bringin' the goods! She is HOTTER than Jessica Biel.

SULLY
Hotter than Jessica Biel? Yes.

This woman at 41 crushes Biel in her prime. She is a genetic freak which is why the throngs of haus fraus revel in her relationship misery so meticulously documented in the tabloids. She has it all; looks and body-wise and is immune to the sands of time.

But there is another factor that I believe the rest of you have overlooked. Namely, she must be a raging, unrepentant, uncontrollable douche nozzle.Witness the tangled corpses in her romantic wake. As Ace pointed out, the vacant eyed Brad Pitt found her wanting. Vince "face bloat" Vaughn who seemingly chronicled her freak show antics in the movie The Break Up. That movie was clearly not fiction. It was Vaughn's cry for help. And let us not forget the most infamous of all... The guy who invented new levels of d-baggedness. To describe him as a large, wet, flapping douche is a kindness. I am, of course, speaking of the over-rated and insufferable John Mayer. After courting her for a few short months he decides that he cannot match her douchebaggery. Her douchey skills left him shaking and weeping when he realized the extent to which he was outmatched.

So for hotness, yes Rachael, whose character on friends was even a douche, is hotter. Personality wise I bet she has been on the receiving end of some hate fucks.

VIKING

Okay you’ve got a point about Courtney Cox being too skinny, especially in the 90’s. Body-type wise Jen definitely had the edge back in the “Friends” days. You have an even better point about Ms. Cox’s current level of hotness. In fact I think I need a moment of silence to appreciate “Cougar Town” Courtney Cox.

…

*ahem* Anyway. For the record I’m not a huge fan of the show, but I always end up sticking around if I happen to catch it. Courtney Cox is hotter than ever. Kate from Drew Carey, a.k.a. Jordan from Scrubs, a.k.a. Christa Miller hasn’t had the same luck as the friends alums in the fine wine department but still has that certain something. And truth be told, I’ve always kind of had a thing for the younger blond on that show (the interweb tells me her name is Busy Philips).

But I digress. And then some. This is supposed to be about Jennifer Aniston. Her inability to beat out (Ace’s masturbatory fury notwithstanding) Jessica Biel, Angelina Jolie, or even Courtney Cox boils down to one thing: Jennifer Anniston is “checklist hot.”

This is a big thing for me. Sometimes the whole is equal to less than the sum of its parts.

Long(ish) legs? Check. Ample(ish) cleavage? Check. High(ish) cheekbones? Check. Well-defined jaw line and chin? Check. Nordic/European nose (even it takes, uh, fixing a deviated septum)? Check. Blond(ish) hair? Check. Blue(ish) eyes? Check. And most importantly, are all of the individual features as close to the normal or ideal as possible? (Height- not too tall, not too short. Smile- not too wide, not too narrow. Ears- not too big, not too small. Eyes- not too close together, not too far apart. Etc…) Check. This is checklist hot.

Jennifer Aniston has all of these things going for her. She’s the hottest woman on earth. On paper. But then again Dan Marino was the greatest Quarterback of all time on paper. That’s why they play the games folks. Jennifer Aniston is no more the hottest woman on earth than Dan Marino is a superbowl champion.

It’s just not enough to be technically perfect. You need that something special, that x-factor. The French Impressionists knew it. The 1980 US Olympic Men’s Hockey team believed it. Cindy Crawford’s friggin’ mole on her friggin’ face proved it.

To be among the hottest of the hot you need a beautiful flaw. Something to set you apart. Jessica Biel has her overbite. Angelina Jolie has her lips. Anne Boleyn had a third nipple and her hotness split an entire empire from the Roman Catholic Church for god’s sake.* Seriously. Google it. My point is, there has to be something more, something less, maybe just something different. It’s here that Jen is lacking.

Huh. It just dawned on me. This is how Jennifer Anniston has gotten hotter. She’s picked up a few flaws over the years. A smile line or two has done her wonders. Mystery solved. Can we talk about Courtney Cox some more now?

*I discovered this as I wrote. I was going to make the same claim about Helen of Troy (baselessly) with instructions to google it and all. Just to be a tool. I decided to see what would come up before I hit send. The thing about Anne Boleyn popped up. I fucking love the internet.

ACE

Hey Viking, you're wrong again. On virtually every count.

Look, I'm a big fan of flaws. After all, I'm friends with you. But it's not Jennifer Aniston's flaws that make her hot and it's certainly not your "Checklist Hot" theory that detracts from her hotness. The reason you think she's not as hot as she is is simply due to overexposure.

Think about it. When hasn't Jennifer Aniston been in our lives. She burst onto the scene in my formative pubescent years, providing hours and hours of spank bank material. She was our Friend for what, like a decade on that show? Then it was straight to movies. Then superstardom. Now she's doing movies all over the place. In short, she's EVERYWHERE. And when the whole Brad Pitt split happened, that just pushed it over the edge. I'm a firm believer that if any one of us regular guys married the hottest woman on the planet (Elisha Cuthbert by the way) and saw her every single day, eventually we'd be sick of her, or at the very least unimpressed by her. I think this was discussed this in my favorite movie "Beautiful Girls." But the bottom line is just because we see her all the time, doesn't mean she isn't absolutely breathtaking.

Jennifer Aniston is the Kobe Bryant of hot chicks. She's a rapist. Wait, what? Sorry. I mean she's a perennial all-star who we sometimes get sick of because she's always in our face, but at the end of the day even the most ardent of haters has to admit the girl's got game.

Is Angelina Hotter Than Jessica Biel?

2010-04-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

This is our inaugural post here at HTJB, and some might say since we're neophytes on this here Interweb we should start off slow. Humble. But that's not how we roll. This is a ~~totally random~~ carefully thought out idea we ~~threw together in 5 minutes~~ meticulously implemented after ~~one drunken night~~ months of research. So we think it's either go big, or go home.

That's why our first ever analysis of a female celebrity will be the Queen Bee of them all:

So without further ado, here's what the brain trust of HTJB had to say about Mrs. Pitt:

FROM ACE:

I know, I know. Angelina is the last word in hotness. She's Lara Croft. She's rumored to be an expert in Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Those full lips, the incredible rack...it's easy to get caught up in all things Angelina.

However, I think she's overrated. And actually, a little weird looking. Not to mention just weird in general. I won't lie, the whole Billy Bob Thornton things freaks me out. Can you imagine the weird sex those two must've had? Not to mention that whole to-do with wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks.

That shit probably turns the Viking on because he's a sick fuck and a complete weirdo, but for the majority of sane people it's off-putting and detracts from her overall hotness.

I think Angelina's face is harsh. And frankly, she looks like she was created in a lab by someone attempting to replicate a human Barbie doll. Almost like she's stretched too thin.

So for me -- and I know I'll take shit for this -- Angelina Jolie is NOT hotter than Jessica Biel.

FROM SULLY:

Well boys, here is what has occurred with Miss Brother Kisser.

She is part of the new Hollywood fad where you get emaciated to the point of looking like one of the starving children you adopt.

Then you hit the gym and turn your twiggy arms into sinewy ropes of muscle, thereby eliminating any femininity.

I call this the Madonna look. Sarah Jessica Parker is another offender (I am sure this is the one and only time she will be mentioned in this blog unless we throw a horse at JB). Since Angie has chosen this very unwise path she has eliminated herself from any Jessica Biel contention.

FROM THE MIGHTY VIKING:

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! You friggin wannabe trendy morons. You have officially become that douchebag from every party anyone's ever been to. You know the one. The "I used to really be into [widely popular band of the day] back when they were [random piece of trivia from the band's beginning] but lately I think they're kind of overrated. These days I'm listening to a lot of [up and coming band everyone's heard of] but I'm afraid they'll lose their edge now that they're going mainstream." guy.

I fuckin' hate that guy. Everyone fuckin' hates that guy. That guy fuckin' hates that guy for god's sake. And by the transitive property of douchery that means I hate both of you.

Sully, in theory we agree on the state of Hollywood hot. Too much skinny. But we're going to have to accept the fact that the majority of women discussed here (i.e. those accepted as hottest by the general public) would do well with a few more carbs in their diet. No one wants an opinion on this from overweight men anyway. At best, it sounds too much like a fat guy version of white man's guilt. At worst we're dragging them down a peg. No, we'll have to let others handle that one.

And if she's going to be skinny, why not skinny and jacked? Feminine and bad-ass are not mutually exclusive. Madonna's not awful because she's built. She's awful because all the plastic surgery makes her look like an alien and because she started speaking with an English accent in her 40s (and we can all hear the Upper Midwestern twang beneath it. You hear me? You're not fooling anyone Mary Louise Chicone.). As for SJP there's tons to hate about her: the whiny voiced, shoe obsessed, I need a man, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't, yes I do, clothes horse she's come to personify for one.

Shit. Our first lady (the hottest since Jackie Kennedy) is famous for her well defined arms. So I guess what I'm saying is nobody cares what you think, you America-hating commie bastard.

As for you Ace, I think you're afraid of her. That's it. You're afraid of Angelina Jolie. I almost don't blame you. The woman is pure hot molten sex. She could kill a man like you just looking at him. It's not like you disagree. Look at what you wrote about her: the Kama Sutra, tantra, freaky Billy Bob sex. You clearly think of sex the moment you look at her like every other post-pubescent man woman or child.

I think the problem is where your thoughts go afterward. It's just a guess here but I think you take one look at her and start dwelling on the sheer impossibility of pleasuring a woman like that with your repressed attitude and tiny penis. What? Too far?

Seriously. Both of you. Admit it. You're just being contrary. Angelina is way hotter than Jessica Biel. In fact she's too hot. You're both intimidated by her.

FROM ACE:

Hey Viking, you're calling us trendy douchebags?? You, the guy who automatically takes a polar opposite contrarian stance on whatever the majority opinion is at any given point in time, think you're above the trendy fray? Dude, you're sooooo different. Just like everybody else.

Angelina Jolie is sexy, but she CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. And because of that, she's less sexy. It's not because I'm afraid I can't pleasure her. I already know I can't pleasure her, or any other woman, properly. Just ask my wife and your ex-girlfriends. It's because while she may be molten sex, she's also a lunatic. And not a lunatic in a good way either. I think if I had sex with her she'd either try to eat me like a praying mantis afterward, or adopt me. Neither of which I'm too keen on. Unless I get to breastfeed.

And don't give me this crap about me and Sully not having the right to critique a woman's body type just because we're overweight ourselves. I studied history extensively, and history tells me that fat, arrogant, middle-aged white guys can do whatever the hell they want and make up the rules as they go along. So fuck you asshole, I can live in my glass house and throw all the stones I want.

Angelina Jolie is not as hot as Jessica Biel. Deal with it.

FROM ZEKE:

I get it. She's pure sex, infinitely alluring to everyone, men, women and primates alike. She's got the lips and she used to have the curves. Plus everything about her reads pure freak-o-phile, which is nice.

That said, she also looks like death, or like she died in 2004 and she'd be happy to do it again.

I'm all for some danger in the sack, but I like to think I'll make it alive out of my daydreams.
Her "am I going to cut off your manhood and wear it as an anklet?" thing just doesn't do it for me.

NOT HOTTER THAN JESSICA BIEL.

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So. There you have it. By a vote of 3 level-headed, super intelligent men to 1 dickface Viking crotch stain, Jessica Biel has pulled off the upset of all upsets and bested Mrs. Pitt. Therefore, the brilliant minds at HTJB can say unequivocally that Angelina Jolie is NOT as hot as Jessica Biel.

Who should we examine next dear readers??