RSS Feed
Twitter
Is Angelina Hotter Than Jessica Biel?
This is our inaugural post here at HTJB, and some might say since we're neophytes on this here Interweb we should start off slow. Humble. But that's not how we roll. This is a totally random carefully thought out idea we threw together in 5 minutes meticulously implemented after one drunken night months of research. So we think it's either go big, or go home.
That's why our first ever analysis of a female celebrity will be the Queen Bee of them all:
So without further ado, here's what the brain trust of HTJB had to say about Mrs. Pitt:
FROM ACE:
I know, I know. Angelina is the last word in hotness. She's Lara Croft. She's rumored to be an expert in Tantra and the Kama Sutra. Those full lips, the incredible rack...it's easy to get caught up in all things Angelina.
However, I think she's overrated. And actually, a little weird looking. Not to mention just weird in general. I won't lie, the whole Billy Bob Thornton things freaks me out. Can you imagine the weird sex those two must've had? Not to mention that whole to-do with wearing vials of each other's blood around their necks.
That shit probably turns the Viking on because he's a sick fuck and a complete weirdo, but for the majority of sane people it's off-putting and detracts from her overall hotness.
I think Angelina's face is harsh. And frankly, she looks like she was created in a lab by someone attempting to replicate a human Barbie doll. Almost like she's stretched too thin.
So for me -- and I know I'll take shit for this -- Angelina Jolie is NOT hotter than Jessica Biel.
FROM SULLY:
Well boys, here is what has occurred with Miss Brother Kisser.
She is part of the new Hollywood fad where you get emaciated to the point of looking like one of the starving children you adopt.
Then you hit the gym and turn your twiggy arms into sinewy ropes of muscle, thereby eliminating any femininity.
I call this the Madonna look. Sarah Jessica Parker is another offender (I am sure this is the one and only time she will be mentioned in this blog unless we throw a horse at JB). Since Angie has chosen this very unwise path she has eliminated herself from any Jessica Biel contention.
FROM THE MIGHTY VIKING:
Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! You friggin wannabe trendy morons. You have officially become that douchebag from every party anyone's ever been to. You know the one. The "I used to really be into [widely popular band of the day] back when they were [random piece of trivia from the band's beginning] but lately I think they're kind of overrated. These days I'm listening to a lot of [up and coming band everyone's heard of] but I'm afraid they'll lose their edge now that they're going mainstream." guy.
I fuckin' hate that guy. Everyone fuckin' hates that guy. That guy fuckin' hates that guy for god's sake. And by the transitive property of douchery that means I hate both of you.
Sully, in theory we agree on the state of Hollywood hot. Too much skinny. But we're going to have to accept the fact that the majority of women discussed here (i.e. those accepted as hottest by the general public) would do well with a few more carbs in their diet. No one wants an opinion on this from overweight men anyway. At best, it sounds too much like a fat guy version of white man's guilt. At worst we're dragging them down a peg. No, we'll have to let others handle that one.
And if she's going to be skinny, why not skinny and jacked? Feminine and bad-ass are not mutually exclusive. Madonna's not awful because she's built. She's awful because all the plastic surgery makes her look like an alien and because she started speaking with an English accent in her 40s (and we can all hear the Upper Midwestern twang beneath it. You hear me? You're not fooling anyone Mary Louise Chicone.). As for SJP there's tons to hate about her: the whiny voiced, shoe obsessed, I need a man, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't, yes I do, clothes horse she's come to personify for one.
Shit. Our first lady (the hottest since Jackie Kennedy) is famous for her well defined arms. So I guess what I'm saying is nobody cares what you think, you America-hating commie bastard.
As for you Ace, I think you're afraid of her. That's it. You're afraid of Angelina Jolie. I almost don't blame you. The woman is pure hot molten sex. She could kill a man like you just looking at him. It's not like you disagree. Look at what you wrote about her: the Kama Sutra, tantra, freaky Billy Bob sex. You clearly think of sex the moment you look at her like every other post-pubescent man woman or child.
I think the problem is where your thoughts go afterward. It's just a guess here but I think you take one look at her and start dwelling on the sheer impossibility of pleasuring a woman like that with your repressed attitude and tiny penis. What? Too far?
Seriously. Both of you. Admit it. You're just being contrary. Angelina is way hotter than Jessica Biel. In fact she's too hot. You're both intimidated by her.
I fuckin' hate that guy. Everyone fuckin' hates that guy. That guy fuckin' hates that guy for god's sake. And by the transitive property of douchery that means I hate both of you.
Sully, in theory we agree on the state of Hollywood hot. Too much skinny. But we're going to have to accept the fact that the majority of women discussed here (i.e. those accepted as hottest by the general public) would do well with a few more carbs in their diet. No one wants an opinion on this from overweight men anyway. At best, it sounds too much like a fat guy version of white man's guilt. At worst we're dragging them down a peg. No, we'll have to let others handle that one.
And if she's going to be skinny, why not skinny and jacked? Feminine and bad-ass are not mutually exclusive. Madonna's not awful because she's built. She's awful because all the plastic surgery makes her look like an alien and because she started speaking with an English accent in her 40s (and we can all hear the Upper Midwestern twang beneath it. You hear me? You're not fooling anyone Mary Louise Chicone.). As for SJP there's tons to hate about her: the whiny voiced, shoe obsessed, I need a man, no I don't, yes I do, no I don't, yes I do, clothes horse she's come to personify for one.
Shit. Our first lady (the hottest since Jackie Kennedy) is famous for her well defined arms. So I guess what I'm saying is nobody cares what you think, you America-hating commie bastard.
As for you Ace, I think you're afraid of her. That's it. You're afraid of Angelina Jolie. I almost don't blame you. The woman is pure hot molten sex. She could kill a man like you just looking at him. It's not like you disagree. Look at what you wrote about her: the Kama Sutra, tantra, freaky Billy Bob sex. You clearly think of sex the moment you look at her like every other post-pubescent man woman or child.
I think the problem is where your thoughts go afterward. It's just a guess here but I think you take one look at her and start dwelling on the sheer impossibility of pleasuring a woman like that with your repressed attitude and tiny penis. What? Too far?
Seriously. Both of you. Admit it. You're just being contrary. Angelina is way hotter than Jessica Biel. In fact she's too hot. You're both intimidated by her.
FROM ACE:
Hey Viking, you're calling us trendy douchebags?? You, the guy who automatically takes a polar opposite contrarian stance on whatever the majority opinion is at any given point in time, think you're above the trendy fray? Dude, you're sooooo different. Just like everybody else.
Angelina Jolie is sexy, but she CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. And because of that, she's less sexy. It's not because I'm afraid I can't pleasure her. I already know I can't pleasure her, or any other woman, properly. Just ask my wife and your ex-girlfriends. It's because while she may be molten sex, she's also a lunatic. And not a lunatic in a good way either. I think if I had sex with her she'd either try to eat me like a praying mantis afterward, or adopt me. Neither of which I'm too keen on. Unless I get to breastfeed.
And don't give me this crap about me and Sully not having the right to critique a woman's body type just because we're overweight ourselves. I studied history extensively, and history tells me that fat, arrogant, middle-aged white guys can do whatever the hell they want and make up the rules as they go along. So fuck you asshole, I can live in my glass house and throw all the stones I want.
Angelina Jolie is not as hot as Jessica Biel. Deal with it.
Angelina Jolie is sexy, but she CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. And because of that, she's less sexy. It's not because I'm afraid I can't pleasure her. I already know I can't pleasure her, or any other woman, properly. Just ask my wife and your ex-girlfriends. It's because while she may be molten sex, she's also a lunatic. And not a lunatic in a good way either. I think if I had sex with her she'd either try to eat me like a praying mantis afterward, or adopt me. Neither of which I'm too keen on. Unless I get to breastfeed.
And don't give me this crap about me and Sully not having the right to critique a woman's body type just because we're overweight ourselves. I studied history extensively, and history tells me that fat, arrogant, middle-aged white guys can do whatever the hell they want and make up the rules as they go along. So fuck you asshole, I can live in my glass house and throw all the stones I want.
Angelina Jolie is not as hot as Jessica Biel. Deal with it.
FROM ZEKE:
I get it. She's pure sex, infinitely alluring to everyone, men, women and primates alike. She's got the lips and she used to have the curves. Plus everything about her reads pure freak-o-phile, which is nice.
That said, she also looks like death, or like she died in 2004 and she'd be happy to do it again.
I'm all for some danger in the sack, but I like to think I'll make it alive out of my daydreams.
Her "am I going to cut off your manhood and wear it as an anklet?" thing just doesn't do it for me.
NOT HOTTER THAN JESSICA BIEL.
That said, she also looks like death, or like she died in 2004 and she'd be happy to do it again.
I'm all for some danger in the sack, but I like to think I'll make it alive out of my daydreams.
Her "am I going to cut off your manhood and wear it as an anklet?" thing just doesn't do it for me.
NOT HOTTER THAN JESSICA BIEL.
------------------------------------------------------------
So. There you have it. By a vote of 3 level-headed, super intelligent men to 1 dickface Viking crotch stain, Jessica Biel has pulled off the upset of all upsets and bested Mrs. Pitt. Therefore, the brilliant minds at HTJB can say unequivocally that Angelina Jolie is NOT as hot as Jessica Biel.
Who should we examine next dear readers??
0 Response to "Is Angelina Hotter Than Jessica Biel?"
Post a Comment